onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
