false alarm. still invincible.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
