Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
