I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We have started to decorate penises.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
