if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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