I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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