Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
