I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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