Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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