So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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