wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You are the jesus of drinking
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
