I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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