Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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