I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Randomize
