Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
