I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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