____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
