Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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