We're facebook friends in real life
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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