how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
