the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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