batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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