update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She bit a glass in half.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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