you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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