i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
