I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
