My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You need a sexual gate keeper
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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