I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
