his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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