Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
