I think im going to throw up on grandma
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm always down for nudity.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
