Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
