I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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