mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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