U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
