someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
