Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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