if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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