ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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