I feel like abortions should bother me more
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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