I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
