bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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