my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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