You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
