I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
