Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
