i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
