I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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