even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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