I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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